True. I don't know. If that's what she actually heard, I don't know or can't criticize her for how she reacted to it. We rarely talk commitment though. Never really talk marriage. And I would think part of that is because she has the same feelings.
That's also true. Would I be devastated if we end up breaking up? Yeah. But if I'm also unsure, maybe in the end it's a good thing (at least that's how I'll make myself feel better).
Both 28. Part of my issue with commitment is she's not from the U.S. and often talks about moving home (Canada). I feel like she may force my hand sometime and make me decide between moving there with her and breaking up, so I've always tried to stay a bit emotionally distant. She's going through the green card process now, though, so if she gets that, confirms she is happy living here, etc. possibly proposal could have come in 12-15 months though. Nuances you can't explain to friends at 1 AM at a party, so I'm hoping she didn't hear anything from them.
Eh, live in LA and save hundreds in rent a month living with her over 1-bedrooms for each of us. Know plenty of friends who have lived with significant other's before calling it off (more convenient, cost effective, etc.).
Yeah, that's the wrong attitude. Don't move in with someone because it's cost effective, do it because you want to see if you can stand living with them forever, and breaking a lease is easier than a divorce.
Dude, she made the right move. You're not sure, so why the fuck would she spend any more time with you? If your relationship depends on where she lives, you're not going to marry her.
I just don't know how you get to 4.5years in and don't know I guess if you think you don't know you actually do
We went to Disney this past week. While wife was in bathroom kids said they were hungry so we got in line to buy hot dogs & corndog nuggets. Not the best food but it was a crowded shit show so whatever. Wife doesn't want a hot dog or corndog nuggets, she will get something else later. Fuck that for blind dog, corndogs are delicious and I'm not waiting in another long ass line. While I'm waiting for food wife grabs a bunch of condiments. The kids and I are eating and she goes looking for a sweatshirt b/c she is cold. She comes back and is mad I used the only mustard packet (mixed with ketchup like a gentleman) because she was going to use that for the leftover corndog nuggets our son didn't eat.
That's one way to look at it. Having a heart-to-heart conversation with someone you've dated for four years about where the relationship is, what can change, etc. is another. Instead I'm being shut out.
Its pretty valid for someone to be upset to the point of not talking to you when you're telling people you see 3 times a year about how you might want a better girlfriend
There really isn't any way to spend that in to something that isn't negative. If I heard a girl saying that there's nothing she could say she actually meant that would make any sense
I don't know. Hard to explain love and emotions, especially on a message board. A couple simple reasons I'd start with: -We both work pretty time consuming jobs in terms of travel and hours. Part of the impetus to move in was there would be weeks we'd only see each other once on a weekend (if that) for a whole week. Even though we've been dating 4 years, seems a lot less. -Like I said, this is the only post-college relationship we've both been in and we're pretty tentative to commit -I'm just scared to commit?
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really, really upset if she heard me say that.
give her a few days and talk to her about it her hearing it through back channels after 4.5years is just a catastrophe when you guys seem on thin ice about committing to each other
So everyone here seems pretty convinced her "you spend too much time talking to other girl's" excuse is just a front and pretty confident she was back-channeled something at the party? Her reason is still "you've flirted with other girls when we are out" though most of this is bunk. It seems like most people think she's hiding the real reason?
Dude, don't listen to these dumbasses. You know better than any of us. Talk to a friend or a family member about it
Shouldn't you have had this conversation with her at some point since you're the one having doubts? You've shut her out for who knows how long and now you're expecting her have a sit down with you after you fucked up.
Yeah, my initial thought is she went home for Christmas and may have convinced herself she wants to move home and is just using this as an out.
Don't get me wrong, I am Sure everybody here wants to help but everybody has its own idea of the situation without knowing you or your gf... I would personnaly think that she is tired of waiting and not satisfied with your situation right now and she wants more of a commitment...maybe not getting married but do you guys go on vacation together? Just the 2?
Yes, that is something you c/should have done with your girlfriend prior to talking about your second thoughts with a group of friends. When you chose to have that honest question with somebody else, it was telling. If my sister came to me telling me a story like this, my advice would be to do exactly what she did. Additionally, it's not the end of the world. Losing a good relationship sucks, no doubt, but if you're not looking to commit, I'm sure you can find somebody else similarly situated and be in a relationship that is much more mutually beneficial.
Yeah dude, you are 28, and have been together 4.5 years, and aren't sure if you want to propose to this girl, that's a major red flag for her (and should be for you too). She's a woman, so I guarantee you she has been worrying at this point about whether or not you would commit. If she heard anything from anybody at that party, it's a foregone conclusion she'd do what she is doing. Can't really blame her. At 28, together for 4.5 years... if you two haven't had a talk that you both have no desire to be married/etc., then it's time to shit or get off the pot.
Yeah, I've been a lot more passive than I should have. First, it's being a bit of a pussy and not wanting to hear a bad answer from her (e.g. "I want to move home in 12 months"). Second, it's just being scared to ruin a good thing in the short-term by talking about the long-term. I also think she's been hesitant to commit in the relationship to - she always talks about moving home, etc., which I've always felt a little upset by. But yes, I do expect a sit down before we actually break up. Let's run with the narrative that one of Rachel's friends told her I'm having trouble committing to her. She's never met this girl before. Why would she take that girl's word over ever opening up to me or at least discussing it?
My sister is in a similar relationship to me. 29, dating a guy ~6 years, lived together for ~2. It's a running joke in our family on when is he going to propose. Maybe I'm just an idiot, but if she told me she was told from a friend that he's "struggling to commit" I'd tell her that sucks, but work through it, instead of shutting him out. But, yeah, I take full responsibility for this if that is really what set her off, but I just wish I knew. Thanks for the advice at the end too
dude, if someone told her what you said or not is pretty irrelevant to the fact that you are confiding in other girls you hardly know about the way you feel about her she either saw it through time or aomeone told her, it doesnt matter because you were headed to the same place no matter get on with it, download tinder and contribute to this thread while your new ex can stop contributing to the stupid bf thread on her girl board
"How's everything with you and CTownND?" "Really good. We've been living together for 4.5 years now" "Have y'all talked about getting married?" "Not a whole lot. We're both busy with work but I definitely think it'll happen sooner than later" ------ Later in the evening .... "Hey user CTownND, you guys ever going to get married?" "I don't know. Not sure I want to commit. Plus, what if there's something better out there for me?" ----- Yeah I have no idea why she's so mad.
Any chance there's a guy back home? In my experience when girls are cheating they'll accuse you of flirting/cheating to rationalize their behavior.
Doubt there's another guy, but can't say it for a fact. She randomly got put on a work project close to her hometown this year so was going back about once every few weeks for about 6-9 months this year. Think it's more likely that her friends keep on pestering her to move back, as well as her mom.
I'll take this a step further if no one has mentioned it yet...you've been together for 4 years and you're still not sure she's the one? She did you a favor. EDIT: Posted without reading ahead. Apparently this is a popular opinion.
Wait a few days then send text asking for a sit down, and if she doesn't want to - cut your losses and move on. Give it 6 weeks and you'll feel better.
Communication. Yall have really dropped the ball by not discussing the Canada issue. I mean, come on. That's HUGE and completely reasonable for her to want tomorrow and for you to want to stay. You gotta hope she didn't hear the find someone better comment. There's no coming back from that imo. After 4.5 years, that's on the same level as cheating in her eyes and rightfully so. If you aren't ready to put a ring on it, just cut your losses and quit wasting her time. If it's the Canada thing, grow some balls and talk about it. Tell her it scares you. Tell her that's the hold up and that you're afraid of losing her, so you've just been dragging your feet because you love being with her and stuff. Hopefully someone else can help with the find someone better comment. I ain't got nothin for that
this is like déjà vu. Sadly, I had a 4.5 year not sure experience as well. in hind sight the answer was "as good as some parts of it were the over all answer not quite right enough."
If you've been with someone for 4.5 years (including living with them) and don't know if you're committed then you need to learn how to make decisions. Shit or get off the pot, it's not fair to the other person.
seems like CTownND needs to have some of these conversations with his gf rather than with his friends/TMB
She'll hear about that comment eventually. It's inevitable unless she moves to Canada. And even then that's not necessarily going to stop it. If she talks with any of the girls that have heard that comment, eventually one of those girls is going to tell her it. His only hope is she moves to Canada and never sees or hears from any human being that knows any of the girls that heard that comment.